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Two of the keys to financial success, especially in a
couple's relationship, are knowledge and communication.
This article focuses on the aspect of communication.
Tom Monson, the Vice President of Simple Joe, Inc. was
giving a series of free seminars on personal finance to
people in his neighborhood. Many couples were scheduled to
attend but only two or three were showing up.
Tom and I discussed the situation and wondered why
attendance was so low. We knew many people were interested
and several had expressed a desire to learn more about
finances directly to Tom. But when it came to showing up for
the seminar they seemed to find other things to do.
As Tom and I were discussing this he commented on the
behavior and attitude of some of the people who had shown up
for the first two seminars. At the first seminar, Tom
noticed that several of the husband & wife couples seemed a
bit uncomfortable discussing financial matters with each
other.
Much of Tom's seminar involved recognizing and evaluating
your current financial situation, setting financial goals
and ways to measure your progress. But he was having a hard
time getting the couples to discuss financial matters
between themselves.
We wondered if these couples may be hesitant to have a frank
financial conversation because conversations about money can
lead to disagreements and even fights. It has been
estimated that over half of all divorces occur to some
degree because of disagreements over money and finances.
So maybe these couples were hesitant to get into a public
argument about their finances because they know that every
time they talk about money they fight. Or they may just
have had one or two really bad fights about finances and so
now they try to avoid the subject.
I would venture to guess that all fights about money and
finances can be boiled down to one of two root problems;
lack of communication (or misunderstanding) and selfishness.
Lack of communication occurs when one spouse spends money
the other had earmarked for something else. Or when an
important financial decision occurs without input from the
other spouse. Or when a large purchase is made without the
consultation or consent of the other spouse.
Misunderstanding can occur when the couple is hesitant to
enter into a financial discussion, has trouble communicating
or just has trouble expressing financial ideas. It could be
that one spouse does not fully understand a financial
concept. Or one spouse is not being patient enough to have
a full discussion of the subject.
The need to be right vs. wrong in making financial decisions
is often very strong, especially in men. As the historical
provider for the family, some men see finances as solely
their domain. It can also be a sign of status or ego.
And in a situation where there are financial problems, many
men can get defensive easily when the wife questions
decisions or situations. This can lead to fights and
misunderstandings.
After a discussion breaks down, the husband may feel like
the wife is ungrateful for what he does and does not trust
him to make correct financial decisions.
Meanwhile the wife may feel like the husband is talking down
to her, does not value her contributions to the family and
maybe is even hiding something from her.
This can happen when emotions get in the way of
communication. It is very important to be considerate of
your spouse and be careful how you phrase questions and
comments.
Also it is important to ask questions when you don't know or
understand a financial situation or decision. Lack of
understanding will lead to future confrontations. The
husband may assume that the wife knows the impact of the
decision they just made. Then if something goes wrong the
husband can get angered at his wife's questions because, to
him, they could seem like an accusation.
Or the wife may do something that the husband does not fully
understand and then the husband gets upset because "she did
not tell" him what it is she was doing or why.
So how do we solve or avoid these problems of lack of
communication and misunderstandings?
The first step is to leave your ego outside the door. You
don't know everything and neither does your spouse. It is
important to make sure that both people understand the
financial topic, how it affects their lives and what type of
decision is best for them and why.
If the wife is stronger in one area of finances, she needs
to patiently explain to the husband what she knows and how
it affects them. If the husband is more versed in a
financial topic he should patiently explain to the wife what
he knows.
If neither of them have a good grasp on the subject, "shut
up" and go learn something more about it. Also don't be
embarrassed or ashamed of not knowing something. Just
because you are the "man" does not mean that you were born
with financial genius.
Just because you are the "woman" does not make you an expert
on household finances and it in no way means that you are
"not capable" of understanding financial topics and
concepts. Don't pigeon-hole your spouse or allow your
spouse to gloss over something without an explanation that
you both understand and could repeat to someone else.
We all make mistakes and we all have things to learn. Don't
let your pride or your ego get in the way of your financial
success. Don't let the subject of money become a sore spot
in your relationship. If you can remember to talk with your
spouse in the same kind of patient and respectful way you
talk with your boss, your conversations about finances will
go much smoother.
************************************************************
© Simple Joe, Inc.
David Berky is president of Simple Joe,
Inc. a marketing company that sells simple software under
the brand name of Simple Joe. One of Simple Joe's best
selling products is
http://www.simplejoe.com/moneytools/index.htm This article may be
freely
distributed so long as the copyright, author's information
and an active link (where possible) are included.
Hiding Debts
From Your Spouse Can Be Recipe for Divorce
By Lisa Scherzer
January 11, 2007
LIKE ANY OTHER
bad habit, debt — when spinning out of control — can become a shameful secret
that one partner in a relationship hides from the other.
Just ask
"Him" and "Her," the Chicago couple that runs the anonymous blog
makelovenotdebt.com1. "Her," as she identifies herself in the blog,
admits that just one year ago, she hid her $154,000 in debt (consisting of
student loans and credit-card debt) from her soon-to-be fiancé.
The
now-26-year-old thought her debt would drive her boyfriend away. As the tally
climbed higher, her anxiety grew with it. "I was afraid the relationship would
be over," she says. "What would you do if someone asked you to acquire $150,000
in debt overnight? I didn't feel I could ask him to do that."
It's an
increasingly common predicament. The amount of debt the average American carries
has steadily climbed over the past decade and currently sits at $6,600 in
credit-card debt alone, according to the Washington, D.C.-based think tank
Center for American Progress. And no fewer than five credit cards are nestled in
the average consumer's wallet. With averages like that, it's no surprise that
for many, debts are becoming overwhelming, leading some to take great pains to
hide their problem.
People
think "if [my partner] knew this about me, he or she won't want to be with me,"
says Washington D.C.-based Olivia Mellan, a therapist and money coach. Still,
it's a problem that should not be ignored. With financial issues often being
cited as the No. 1 cause of divorce, debt secrets can often lead to the demise
of the relationship and financial ruin.
After seven
years together, Her finally came clean. Him says the number gave him "a mini
heart attack." Not wanting to be dragged down into a never-ending spiral of
debt, the couple agreed to tackle the debt together. Today, the newly engaged
pair has created what they call a "value-based plan" where they've identified
shared values, like health and quality time together. They prioritize their
spending by keeping those values in mind.
'Til Debts
Do Us Part
Hidden debts
ultimately led New York attorney Barry Rothberg to seek a divorce from his wife.
Nine months into his marriage, Rothberg (who requested we change his name for
privacy reasons), now 30, discovered his wife was hiding debts from him, as
bills addressed to her began coming in from various department stores and online
retailers. When he inquired as to how much her purchases cost, his wife's
answers were evasive, Rothberg says.
After a
final confrontation, Rothberg's wife admitted she was carrying debt on several
credit and store cards, but didn't give him an exact number. "Her unwillingness
to give me an answer about the amounts and the extent of the debt was really the
last straw that prompted my leaving," he says.
Rothberg is
getting remarried this month. Before deciding to say "I do" he and his fiancé
ran credit checks to show each other their debt-free bill of health. "I had no
reason for suspicion," he says. "But once we saw it, it was 'OK, nothing to
worry about, we can go on to the next thing.'"
Discussing
debts and taking a fiscal check-up prior to marriage is, of course, a great idea
— although it often doesn't happen. In many cases, spouses are kept in the dark
about their partners' debts until their marriages end in divorce or when one
spouse dies.
Sheera
Gefen-Greenberg, a matrimonial attorney for municipal employees' services in New
York, had a client who was largely in the dark about her husband's assets and
liabilities — that is, until the couple entered the discovery phase of their
divorce, when it was revealed that he had racked up a significant amount of debt
for various purchases, including trips and pricey electronic gadgets.
"Even
though he's primarily liable for those debts, the wife, in a divorce, may still
have to foot the bill at the end of the day," warns Gefen-Greenberg. Divorce
laws vary by state. In New York, any debt accrued during the marriage is legally
considered marital debt subject to distribution between the parties in a
divorce. "Without a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, it's hard to protect
yourself," she says. "You shouldn't be passive about your finances; know what's
going on throughout the marriage."
For more on
how debts are handled during divorce, click here9.
Who Wears
the Accountant Hat?
Financial
values are instilled at a young age and carried into adulthood and marriage. So
when two individuals get together and marry their money, a financial clash is
almost inevitable.
"Most of
the couples I deal with have different views about debt," says Barbara Bachelder,
a certified financial planner and co-owner of Wealth by Design, a
financial-planning firm in Sausalito, Calif. The differences — spender vs. saver
is probably the most prominent example — often lead to one partner taking charge
of the family's finances, sometimes grudgingly.
Ron
McKelvey, 57, puts himself into the "saver" camp. It was only after he got
married did he learn that his philosophy on money was nothing like his wife's.
"She's the kind of person who would write checks and say, 'There must be money
in the account because I still have checks,'" says McKelvey (not his real name),
a marketing consultant in the Chicago area. "I've ended up de facto being the
money boss, and I don't like that job. But I can't figure a way out of it," he
says.
Financial
planners say spouses' disagreements about money are often really about larger
issuesof control. But it's possible to resolve some of the financial disharmony
by coming to terms with your partner's money habits. "I think there's a tendency
when it comes to marriage that both partners will think they're right when it
comes to this issue," says Neil Chethik, author of "Voicemale: What Husbands
Really Think About Their Wives, Marriages, Housework and Commitment." Learning
to work with your spouse's habits — rather than trying to change them — is one
way to smooth things over.
Chethik,
49, says in his own marriage, his and his wife's divergent attitudes about money
caused years of mistrust. "She would sneak spending money, and I would sneak
saving money," he says. But with time, they came to realize that neither one was
right or wrong. Now the couple sits down twice a year to review their finances,
and a budget keeps spending in check. "Our money disagreements have gone down a
lot in the last five to 10 years," Chethik says.
He may be
one of the lucky ones. When there are secrets and tension surrounding money,
many couples either split up or give up. But seeking the assistance of a
financial planner or a debt counselor can help. Think of it this way: Not only
could it help you regain your financial footing, but it could save your marriage
as well.
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